Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
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I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away