Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
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10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
How tf did it end up there?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
an airline just for babies.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
True
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
#dalle2
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.