Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
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[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Mapping America’s Far Right
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
pizza
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!