Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
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[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Guys, I found it.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?