Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
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My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.