bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
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So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn鈥檛 it
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He鈥檚 been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 馃槓
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
uncle dave has been through hell
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol