Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”

Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.

1-year-old: *eats it*

*screams in pain*

Me: At least you learned your lesson.

1: *eats another one*

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.