Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.