Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
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i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I’m never leaving this app.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.