Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
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I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
“What movie?” 🤔
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist