Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

When a shoelace touches your ankle

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.