Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
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Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!