Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
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Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.