Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
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Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
This 4th of July, please remember…
this is funnier than any friends episode
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.