Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
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why neck hurt
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.