Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
it’s the silliest best thing
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now