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OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
The only good comments section online is on recipes
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”