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Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
You don’t even know
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is