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BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox