When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
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“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?