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The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
this could fix me
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
This seems like peak sibling energy
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs