[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
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Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Aw man, but that’s the best part
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete