One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
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You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off