Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

I will always post cat eating corn when I see it

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets