Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
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You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.