Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
You Might Also Like
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else