Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
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The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
bout dat hot dog summer
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
Labreador
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
