Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end