Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers