Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??