Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
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😏😏😏😏😏
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If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.