[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
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When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.