Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
You Might Also Like
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
🎵 I can’t wait to
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
peep davidson
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.