Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?

[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]

Date: The wine is lovely great choice

Me: *helplessly slips off chair*

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”