Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.