@justabloodygame

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

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@LurkAtHomeMom

You ran a 5k? Like on purpose or do you just have a lot of bees in your neighborhood?

@LorieGZ

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

@nachosarah

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

@LeBearGirdle

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

@dire_beard

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

@LoveNLunchmeat

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

@sbellelauren

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

@FireBeets

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

@xLiserx

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.