@justabloodygame

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

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a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”omgthatspunny”;s:5:”image”;s:75:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1897104686/Finished_PUNNY_3.2_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”346765466682945537″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”341″;s:5:”tweet”;s:82:”When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

@LlamaInaTux

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

@UncleDuke1969

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

@chuuew

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

@TVsCarlKinsella

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

@seamussaid

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

@karencheee

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” – neighborhood drunk