Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

Unexpected Judgment

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

lmfao

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby