Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me

Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

💯😂

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank