Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

“Are you just going to sit there all day?”

“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

My neck my back my allergy attack

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem