Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.