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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now