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Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”