Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
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“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
She puts the hot in psychotic
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Chicken bread
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.