Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

Dolls on drugs

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”