Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

December has 5 Saturdays.

FIVE.

That November salary will be fighting for its life.

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?