*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
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Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
and now we wait
What
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆