*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
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If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?