*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
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Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them