Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
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Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.