Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
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Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Finished stitching this today 😇
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
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