Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
You Might Also Like
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Order here:
More here:
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
we should be able to doordash someone a snowball to the face. like tis the season biatch.
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle as I pay 🎶
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.