How do horror writers compete with current events?
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I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!