Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.

Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!

His wife: [glares at him]

Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!

me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?