Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.

It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know