Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

The days of good grammer has went

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

Anyone want a chair?

What’s the point buying it then?

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family