BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
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Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.