Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

🍂🕷️🍂

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good