Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.