Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.

After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”