Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

happy friday

My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

awkward

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.