BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
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dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.