Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.