Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
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BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
😲 WTF? 😆
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do