Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
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I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.