Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
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[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
good let them take over I have had enough
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If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I’d love this…lol
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Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.