Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.