Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.