Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”