Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

This is I, Robot all over again

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

Wolves should really raise more people.

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh