[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
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Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
i really liked this one
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.